Week 4 college football Bottom 10: Defense a lost cause in Carolina

Inspirational thought of the week:

Why'd you have to be so unavoidable?

You're everywhere

Why'd you have to be so unavailable?

It's like you're under my skin

Why did I let you in?

Can't act like you don't exist

When you're naturally so unavoidable

Unavoidable.

-- "Unavoidable," Melina KB

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the medical tent where the triage unit waits every Saturday to repair the twisted ankles and crushed egos after Pat McAfee's guest kickers have been humiliated on "College GameDay," we know a little something about awkward football moments.

For example, Saturday night at Williams-Brice Stadium in Columbia, South Carolina, home to its own super bummer placekicking moment against LSU (too soon?), I was scaling the grandstand stairs to surprise my kinfolk during the Gamecocks' annual Family Weekend, when suddenly someone shouted, "It's him!"

This wasn't a tone of, "Hey, it's him! Ryan McGee, of 'Marty & McGee,' our favorite TV show!" No, it was angrier, like, "Hey, it's him! Grab him and let's throw him in the Congaree River while everyone is distracted by 'Sandstorm'!"

I looked to my right and realized, oh snap, er, I mean, oh Zip, it was an entire section of fans dressed in blue and gold, adorned with styled block A's and Z's. Sitting right on the aisle was a distinguished senior couple. They stood up, like Clark Griswold's in-laws angrily staring down his boss on Christmas Eve.

"Akronmonious?" the man said to me, heat in his eyes. "Really?"

"Um ...," I stammered. "It's all in the name of good fun. Just imagine how great it will be when you turn the corner and make it back to the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl again!"

Suddenly, those eyes softened and Old Man Zip smiled. "Relax, kid, we aren't turning that corner tonight," he said.

Then he pointed to the scoreboard. It was 36-7, home team.

With apologies to Jason Taylor, Dwight Smith, former Akron head coach John Heisman and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 4 Bottom 10 rankings.

1. State of Kent (0-4)

Meanwhile, Akron's mortal enemy made a trip to Not So Happy Valley for a 56-0 loss to Penn State. That's its third defeat at the Isotoner-gloved hands of a Power 4 school, falling by a combined score of 182-24 to Pitt, Tennessee and the Nittany Lions. The good news? It pocketed $3.9 million for those games. The bad news? The Golden Flashes spent $350,000 of that to lose at home to the Red Flash of St. Francis, 23-17.

2. Kennesaw Mountain Landis State (0-3)

The Owls faced off against the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U, but at their off-week brunch, they ran out of jelly and thusly even versus an English muffin failed to cover the spread.

3. UTEPid (0-4)

The Minors, fresh off a 27-17 loss at Colorado State, will now take their turn facing Open Date U. Looking ahead to their Week 6 game against Sam Houston, according to this email I just received back from ESPN Analytics ... I need to stop bothering them.

4. Why, oh, Ming? (0-4)

The Cowboys just lost 44-17 to the North Texas Mean Green, whose mascot is a green eagle named Scrappy. Now they face Air Force, whose mascot is a blue falcon named simply The Bird. If they lose to 1-2 Air Force at home in Laramie, then the next feathered fiend they'll face will be the one that always circles any dehydrated cowboy wandering lost in the plains, the buzzard.

5. The Old North State

Appalachian State, NC State and North Carolina combined to surrender a total of 177 points, losing by scores of 48-14, 59-35 and 70-50 against South Alabama, Clemson and James Madison. It's the most inexplicable absence for a group of North Carolinians since the Lost Colony.

6. Whew Mexico (0-4)

Forget Georgia-Bama because our first Pillow Fight of the Week of the Century is on tap via the Rio Grande Rivalry, aka the Battle of I-25, aka the L-obos vs. the Whew Mexico State Other Aggies, who are 1-3. These teams dislike each other so much that last fall a video surfaced of then-New Mexico State QB Diego Paiva urinating on the Lobos logo on UNM's practice field. Now Paiva is behind center at Vanderbilt, where the only place someone can pee is on the field because the stadium around it is still being reconstructed.

7. Akronmonious (1-3)

After witnessing the Zips in person and seeing how they pushed South Carolina into the second half, I am reluctant to keep them in these rankings. But like that photo of my ex-girlfriend that I keep digging out of the trash after my wife has thrown it away again or my DVD of "From Justin to Kelly," I can't make myself get rid of them.

8. UMess (1-3)

The Minutemen defeated Central Connecticut State, an FCS school from the Northeast Conference that came into the contest with a 2-1 record. One week earlier, the Blue Devils earned that second win by defeating St. Francis, whose only win is the one we told you about earlier against Kent State and who just suffered a loss to Eastern Michigan, who started their 3-1 season with a win over ... Massachusetts. And now EMU faces ... Kent State. This is like a Christopher Nolan movie, but only if the script was written by an AI machine that just had a fifth of Sam's Choice cola spilled on it.

9. Charlotte 1-and-3'ers (1-3)

Charlotte backed up its only win of the season with a 52-14 loss to Indiana. That win came two weeks ago when the 49ers came back from down 17 late to beat Gardner-Webb by 1. That happened one week after it lost to UNC 38-20 and two weeks after it lost to James Madison 30-7. Meanwhile, James Madison also barely beat Gardner-Webb the week after beating Charlotte, winning via a goal-line stand in the closing moments, but then went to UNC and beat the Tar off the Heels with 70 points and 611 yards of offense. So, what in the hell would happen if UNC played Gardner-Webb?!

10. Utaw State (1-3)

Nothing says, "We are SO ready for the Pac-12!" like getting housed by the then-sixth ranked worst team in the country, Temple of Doom, 45-29. Then again, the way realignment seems to work now, Temple and Utah State will be squaring off in the Pac-12 championship game sooner than later.

Waiting list: Temple of Doom, Flori-duh State Semi-No's, FI(not A)U, FA(not I)U, Southern Missed, the Return of the Nayhawks, Muddled Tennessee State, Troy Bolton State, Hail Mary defenses.