Letter to D-Town
Dear Armed Durham Residents:
I understand that this city is not currently facing its brightest economic conditions. Legitimate jobs are hard to come by, and who wants to toil away for $5.85 an hour anyway? God knows I sure don't.
Fear not, my monetarily unfortunate friends, because I have a perfectly great solution for all of your cash-flow woes. Why work for Duke when you can simply take the money of the unsuspecting, fearful and mostly wealthy undergraduates at this University?
It's not that complicated. You have guns and bandanas, while we've got a serious drinking problem, nice cars and daddy's money stuffed into our purses and wallets. More importantly, Duke does very little to help protect its students from pistol-toting opportunists.
A large, mostly affluent, subset of our upperclassmen lives in unprotected luxury apartment complexes flanked by low-income housing and outside the range of the Duke University Police Department. And we all know how much the Durham Police Department cares about protecting Duke students from anything besides their own excessive noise.
Candy from a baby? I think so.
It has become apparent that lately some of you have been catching on to this phenomenal economic opportunity. Forgive me if I am not completely updated on the official statistics, but I think we are up to one murder, three robberies and 18 car break-ins... in the last week. Well, those are all fine and good, but the strategic planning has been mediocre at best. Why focus on the cheap apartment complexes? All that work for an iPod and an empty wallet? It's about time to step your game up.
First off, you are targeting the wrong types of students. Most grad students are not the rich sons and daughters of privilege like the undergrads. They usually live poor, mainly off of loans, and rarely drive nice cars. They present very minimal upside.
The real money is in us young'uns. I know those shiny new complexes can be intimidating, but the hefty reward and the lack of able resistance should assuage those worries. The old man "guarding" Partners is hardly a deterrent.
Second, the message has been sent. We are scared of you. We will gladly hand over all our possessions and/or souls at the sight of a "black coat with brown fur trim"-let alone shiny steel.
Lastly, due to our inept and unreliable SafeRides program, students often find themselves stuck walking alone from off-campus houses and venues. Most of these students have been drinking. It's not rocket science. Grab and go, baby.
I hope you have found this helpful. Good Luck!
21 Meadowlark Rd.
Durham, N.C. 27705
(It's the house with all the SUVs and we keep the front door unlocked.)
Dan Belzer is a Trinity senior. His column runs every Thursday.